Not because you deserve it, but because I deserve peace. Marcus started crying. I don’t know what to say. You don’t have to say anything. I’m not asking for an apology or explanation. I just wanted you to know I miss being your friend, he said. Is that something we could ever have again? Maybe, not now, but maybe someday. I need more time. I understand.
Are you happy? I asked. With Derek, he nodded. Yeah, I am. I wish it hadn’t happened this way. I wish I hadn’t hurt you, but yes, I’m happy. Good. I’m glad. I really am, and I meant it. Somewhere along the way, I’d stopped wishing they’d be miserable. Stopped hoping karma would punish them. I just wanted everyone to be okay, including me.
Are you happy? He asked. With Nathan getting there, I said, taking it slow. But yeah, I think I could be. We sat there for a while longer. Two people who used to be best friends, finding our way to something new, something neither of us could quite name yet. When I got home that night, Nathan was waiting on my front porch.
I’d given him a key a few weeks earlier. “Hi,” he said, standing up when he saw me. “I hope it’s okay I came by. I know you said you were meeting Marcus and might need space after. It’s more than okay, I said. He hugged me. Just held me there on my front porch while the sun set. How did it go? He asked. Better than expected. I told him I forgave him.
That must have been hard. It was. But it also felt right, like I was releasing something I’d been holding on to for too long. We went inside, made dinner together, talked about our days. This was my life now. Smaller than it had been, different than I’d planned, but mine. The kids adapted better than I expected. They liked having two homes, two sets of toys, two different routines.
Derrick was a good dad when it was his week. Present and attentive in a way he hadn’t always been during our marriage. He and Marcus were living together now. had been since right after the divorce was final. The kids visited them sometimes during Dererick’s weeks. They still loved Uncle Marcus, still treated him like family.
I made peace with that with them having a relationship with him. It wasn’t their fault what happened between us adults. Nathan met Dererick eventually at a school event we all attended. They were cordial, polite, two men with nothing in common except caring about the same woman. Dererick pulled me aside at one point. He seems nice.
He said he is. Are you in love with him? I thought about that question about what love even meant anymore after everything I’d been through. I think I might be, I said. But I’m being careful, taking my time. I’m not rushing into anything. That’s smart, Dererick said. Then I’m happy for you, Rachel.
I know that sounds hollow coming from me, but it’s true. You deserve to be happy. So do you. And that was the truth. Despite everything, despite all the pain and betrayal and complications, I wanted Dererick to be happy. I wanted Marcus to be happy. I wanted my kids to be happy. And for the first time in 2 years, I wanted me to be happy, too. Not someday.
Not eventually, but now. That night, after the kids were asleep at Dererick’s place for his week, Nathan and I sat on my couch watching a movie. Can I ask you something? He said, “Sure. Do you think you’ll ever trust someone completely again?” After what happened? I thought about it. I don’t know.
Maybe not the way I trusted Dererick before, but I think I can trust differently. Trust while also keeping a part of myself separate. Trust while knowing that people can still surprise you. Does that make sense? Perfect sense. What about you after your divorce? Same. I think my ex broke something in me, but maybe broken things can be put back together.
They’ll never be exactly the same, but they can still be whole. We kissed then, slowly, sweetly. And I felt something I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Hope, not hope that everything would be perfect. Not hope that I’d found my soulmate or my forever person or any of those fairy tale concepts. Just hope that tomorrow would be a little better than today.
That I was building something new on the ruins of what I’d lost. That my story wasn’t over. It was just a different story than the one I’d planned. And maybe possibly it could still have a happy ending.
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